I never … “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?” “Yes, of course…” “Great! When I was checking her in, the nurse asked for her wrist, saying, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.” “Does it have diamonds on it?” I asked.

She touched her nose and it hurt.

Apparently the sign outside the ward "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different!

“Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!”. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?” “I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor. Husband was gently calling wife as darling or cutie pie or honey every time he addresses her. The mother is getting extremely worried. but so far there has been no change! “No,” she replied. Finland just closed its borders. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?".

The Hip Replacement Guy. The doctor comes in and asks him "where does it hurt", He looks at the nurse and says, "Did I come here to die?".

Friend woke up this morning coughing badly, think he may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.

The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

A chap goes to the doctor and says “I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth”. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. Also, check out our doctor and other funny jokes. but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive. Doctor replies, "ICU". I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it. Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids. Finally, a doctor comes to greet him. Who stands in for him when he’s on leave? “No!” She replied. I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU. The doctors offer an alternative solution. The doctor says, “have you seen a psychiatrist?” The man says “no, just a werewolf”. Doctors described his condition as stable. “Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands.

“My sisters arm!”, My daughter was playing ball outside, when she tripped and broke her leg.

You Would Have Thought The Same This is a real story submitted to a Reddit board: My favorite is a true story.

He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions. We take them into the bathroom and we show them a bath full of water, and we say we want them to empty it and we offer them a choice between a teaspoon, a coffee cup or a b. ", Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? And you can have a joke like these delivered on the hour, every hour now by following us on Twitter or liking us on Facebook. He is in a coma for 24 hours. “What’s the verdict?” she asked. It occurred to me that we probably should've changed our safe word from "pineapple" when we started experimenting with produce. “What did he say?,” asked the nurse. I rushed with her to the emergency room. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”. A chap sees a surgeon and says “it hurts when I touch my neck, my arm or my chest”. One day a group of kindergarten kids came in for a tour, I showed them the x-ray machines and asked them if they ever had broke a bone?

Finally, I got on the intercom and said softly but firmly, “All right, Johnny, it’s time to go to sleep now.” There was quiet in the room, and then he said, “OK, God, I will.” I didn’t hear a peep from him until late the next morning.

"Are my testicles black? Attendant came up and said “this is for badge holders only”. It’s the Serious Burns Unit. A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. A hillbilly was visiting the hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. My local hospital has an area where people very earnestly read Auld Lang Syne and similar poems.

Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…” “Peter, you’ve been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.”. Mohan (to the doctor): “Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?” Doctor: “Your eyesight seems to be poor.” Mohan: “How did you come to that conclusion?” Doctor: “You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. Because they need to keep their vegetables fresh. He goes up to the receptionist and she says “what are you in here for sir?” The man reply’s “there’s something wrong with my dick” disgusted the receptionist reply’s “you shouldn’t say such things in such a crowded place” “well what am I supposed to say then?” The man reply’s “something like there’s, A doctor comes in and says,"I've got some bad news.

He was too shy to speak up, so the doctor suggested: “Try using indirect words”.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. On his way, he decides to call the hospital to see how she’s doing but he accidentally calls the local cricket ground. where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them.

The competition was heating up, and the next correct diagnosis would be the winner. They were both very much in favor of it.

A man was rushed in to hospital yesterday because he swallowed a five pound note.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet -- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth, Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?". They said it was due to ill eagle activity. In the hospital, she gives birth to a boy and a girl.

Embarrassing Incident. The doctors said that his condition was stable. This is a veterinary hospital.”.

As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper.

The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening.

I told her I was in a bar when two large ladies came in speaking a strange accent.

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating. It’s the Serious Burns Unit.

A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

One little boy raised his hand, “I did!” “Did it hurt?” I asked.

The doctor then uses a little more force and smacks the baby's bottom harder but still nothing. Doctors have described his condition as "stable". The nurse smiles, handing him and pice of paper, and says “Your insurance will cover your expenses.”.

My local hospital has an area where people very earnestly read Auld Lang Syne and similar poems. He's sweating like a pig. A blind man wakes up in a hospital today, sees doctor. Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. Self, I so late.

The doctor said "He's not out of the woods yet".... She is in labour for hours and the birth is excruciating but eventually the baby comes out. So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff. “Wow, you must be a very brave girl! He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. They can see right through you. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments.

No one will be crossing the finish line.

He found it humerus. “But it costs just as much.”, Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”. A nurse at a mental hospital checks in a room to find patient Bob pretending to drive a car.

You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

the doctor told him "Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself" Bob asked" Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom" The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do" So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain " So what did the doctor, The doctor meets him and takes him to do examinations. The nurse comes out and congratulates the first father for getting twins, the father is both happy over the news and also amazed that it's twins because he works at the "two hands hardware store". She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicle, It's certainly a step up from my amateurlapsed anus.

The nurse raises his gown, holds his cock in one hand and his balls in the other. The doctor comes up to them with a concerned expression. There’s nothing we can do.”*, Kim Jong Un won’t ever use the nuclear button again, Her Majesty: "What's going on here?

Can we start our phone calls differently?”.

Someone answers.

I work in a hospital giving tours to children. When he circumcised the baby he took the skin and grafted it in his forehead above his eyes for eyelids.The operation was successful, however,he might come out a little cockeyed.

but it turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever and a hospital spokesperson said he was “Stayin’ Alive”!

The doctor says, “you’ve broken your finger”. Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!". Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford", A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! “OOPS!”, “Mom? Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. "Nurse" he mumbles. Their son was very sick, and after a long wait for test results, the doctor came out to meet them. A woman gets into a taxi and asks: To maternity hospital, please.. After a while she asks the driver: Do not drive so fast, please, I’m simply working there. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." The bad news is it will require castration.

And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a, He’s doing circumcisions, i mean it doesn’t pay well but it does put scraps on the table, Doctor: *Im sorry sir, but the virus will continue to spread throughout your body.

She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor taps the baby's bottom to get it to cry but nothing happens. Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.

Check our Twitter and Facebook feeds for a joke on the hour every hour…, This week’s puns and one liners all have a medical theme, so here are some hospital jokes. Which bone did you break?” I asked. He asks "Ben,can you tell me what's bothers you the most?".

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. He said that if he had known they would provide one, he wouldn't have asked his wife to come.

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